Conan the Barbarian

[omie]

I'm prepping myself to go and see this giant steaming pile of shit.  I feel kind of... obligated... I guess. Like, it's my DUTY..  ya know? 

Or maybe its more like I'm getting ready to go out with a guy I know is going to date rape me and I'm going anyways.  I can't be talked out of it so wish me luck.

I will report back.

[The Shocker]

Good luck getting eye raped.

[Jor el]

Let me know if it has a rock n roll soundtrack.

[omie]

............

umm.. lemesee..

The Good:
Jason Mamoa(and the kid who played young Conan) - I grew up reading the Conan Mags and the original movie was the first Rated R movie I ever saw(HBO after my parents fell asleep).. he cuts a fine form and every so often they'd hit an angle on him that was spot on the illustrated versions. Altogether I really liked him as Conan and I can't think of anyone else who looks more like Conan. And, well,  he didn't write the script. Acceptable.

Also enjoyed the Conan 'James Bond of the Hyborean Age' way that he cut and hacked thru virtually everyone in his way, unstoppable, undeniable. Nice modern approach to the fights. Decent action even though I don't care for the close up shots where you cant tell what the hell is going on.. chaotic... too chaotic.


The Bad:
Of all of the hundreds of Conan story lines, bastardizing the first movie was a poor move I think. Conan's birth was over-the-top in the way an episode of Family Guy is over the top... minus the chuckle. Riddle of Steel Minus riddle of steel.  A too familiar narrator, repeating verbatim quotes from the first movie (albeit, originally written by Robert E. Howard... still).  Once the script completely diverged from the original movie, it was at least a coherent story. Not a great story, not overly compelling or super interesting... but at least I knew what was happening.

Jason Mamoa is a better actor than Arnold? I guess, so what? James Earl Jones and 45 seconds of Max von Sydow out acted everybody in this entire movie put together. Less dialogue would have served this movie well. Sound of silence and all.

CG monsters were mostly lame and the cool ones looked like crappy CG to me. I saw the 3D version which was clearly only made so they could sell BlueRay disks. I say, save the 4 bucks.. 3D was bullshit.

And one weird thing.. Conan must have crushed a dozen skulls or so.. and every time this very unsatisfying, painful grating noise screamed out of the speakers. Kinda weird that it bothered me.. still.

The straight American English that most people spoke. Only thing that would have made it worse is if they would have thrown in phrases like "Fuck an A" or "Bitchin!".  Really hurt Rose McGowans character. Speaking of Rose.. notsomuch, WAY too many clothes on her and then to top it off.. NO SUPER HOT FRAZETTA chicks. Criminal.

I could probably continue to nitpick for another half hour or so... but I wont. If you really love Conan, this movie probably won't hurt your feelings too much and I would have to suggest you see it for yourself.... If you don't love Conan.. skip this. I'd also guess that this movie will put a knife in the heart of any future Conan releases.. not sure if I should put that under the good.

D+

[omie]

I don't have the first memory of any music for the length of the movie. Is that weird?  I can hear the original movies soundtrack in my head like a lullaby.

[The Shocker]

Was there any nudity at all?

[omie]

Yeah, a few topless slave girls and one mercifully short, dark, lame sex scene with what I expect was a body double. I'm not sure what they have to do nowadays to maintain their R Rating but I expect that partly to blame.  The violence was brutal in spurts and the sex was... present, it never reached the levels spartcus/rome pornographic sex/violence.  300 did the sex and violence better in every way. But ya know, it wasn't about the sex and violence.. it was about the STORY.


lol

[gatorsnot]

It should've had more nudity.  I wanted to see fighting and naked wimmins.  Plenty of fighting but like Omie said, a bit too chaotic but still glad plenty was supplied.  Acting was fine, I wasn't looking for oscar type shit and neither should you.  People keep asking about the soundtrack, I'm guessing because they think there would be some nu metal crap in it. It was just your average movie soundtrack and no rock bands.

It's a fun movie but totally mediocre.  Nothing that will be memorable like the first.  "I live, I love, I slay...I am content" just doesn't compare to "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."

[CanookieWookie]

"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."

A perfect movie line if there ever was one.

[The Shocker]

"I live, I love, I slay...I am content"

That is a fucking fail.

[omie]

"I live, I love, I slay...I am content"

That is a fucking fail.

Actually, that line was written by Robert E Howard... It's a slight misquote, but I don't remember exactly.  Problem is context and delivery.  Keneau Reeves could've delivered it better in his best surfer boy speak.

[Eyehatehippies]

I loved it.

[peoplething]

"I live, I love, I slay...I am content"

That is a fucking fail.

Actually, that line was written by Robert E Howard... It's a slight misquote, but I don't remember exactly.  Problem is context and delivery.  Keneau Reeves could've delivered it better in his best surfer boy speak.

doesn't Arnold say something along those lines in the Extra/Deleted Scenes from the Criterion Box set?  In the witches cave scene I think?

maybe I'm just drunk

[gritty_fingers]

I'm a big Conan fan and this movie is the worst movie of the year as far as I'm concerned. The first part with the kid (Young Conan) was cool but after that it got worse and worse.

In the Arnold version, you like all the other characters. In this movie, you just don't give a shit about anyone. Also the ending was drawn out and way too long.

This movie sucks and the blames goes to the director (who can't stage a fight scene to save his life) and the editor who has ADD.

Don't spend your $$$$ on this piece of shit.

[liquidsmoke]

I agree. Big expensive turd although I did enjoy some scenes. Some of my beefs-

Why did they use American Indian looking guys to play the Cimmerian teens/young men? Jason Mamoa has less of that but is probably a tad too Asian looking but that is pretty minor. He played a better Conan overall than Arnold even though I like Arnold's movies better despite the fact that they are pretty bad(yet very good for S&S movies from that era).

Why do we even see a Cimmerian village? Oh yeah because it was 10% a remake of CTB. Lame. An important element of Howard's stories is that none of them are about Cimmeria or other Cimmerians aside from a few small details thrown in here and there. Why not use an actual REH Conan story and pad it a bit if nessesary to make it long enough? Or put 2 together? Even if they butchered it people would still see it.
FUCK REMAKES.

I agree on the women. Should have been more curves. Good god if I made a Conan movie I'd use at least a few really hot mega thick super super curvy 200+ pound women wearing next to nothing and Conan would fuck at least one of them.

The Picts should have been dark skinned. Racially they fucked this movie up although yes Howard was quite the racist I'll admit. Also why did they have extremely beastial growls? They are not superhuman or supernatural, they were Howard doing the cowboys and Indians thing. Young Conan(12? 13?) still somehow manages to kill like 6 or 7 of them. Completely unrealistic. Even adult Conan would have a hard time with that many Picts at once.

McGowans character was way too Hot Topic.

I'd say more but I saw this awhile back and it's not super fresh in my mind at this point. If you really love REH's Conan stories you will probably hate this movie. If you are open minded about modern sword and sorcery movies and can like them even if they are pretty bad you'll probably like it or at least think it's worth watching.

[Andrew Blakk]

Saw it last week and well it was at least watchable. It could have been worse. It could have turned out as Jonah Hex ffs. 

[EaterofBirds]

This movie, in the end, was almost exactly what I thought it might be.

A steaming pile of dogshit. Don't waste your time. Like the 'The Mummy' meets Thundarr. Youve been warned. I like how it leaks early on, that this flick (and alot of the other lately) are dubbed as more true to the book/mag or standalone movies, not a remake

My finger was on the ffwd/play the entire movie. Avoid

[gnombient]

The new Conan is next in my Netflix queue, and I'm kind of dreading its arrival...  I know it's going to be terrible and non-Howardian, but at the same time the sword & sorcery fan in me can't resist. 

"I live, I love, I slay...I am content"

That is a fucking fail.

Definitely.  Here's the much meatier original REH quote, from the story "Queen of the Black Coast":

"I have known many gods. He who denies them is as blind as he who trusts them too deeply. I seek not beyond death. It may be the blackness averred by the Nemedian skeptics, or Crom's realm of ice and cloud, or the snowy plains and vaulted halls of the Nordheimer's Valhalla. I know not, nor do I care. Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and priests and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content."

On a Howard-related note, has anyone seen Solomon Kane?  It has yet to be released in any format here in the US.  Most of what I've read regarding the movie has been disappointing, but I'd still like to see it.